


Ghost in Your Arms

by akgerhardt



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Amateur Ghost Hunters, Cheesy Summer Lovin’, Dirk is a good guardian albeit lonely, Giant/Tiny, M/M, This is in the SFW series just because the canoodling isn't written out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-19
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2019-10-12 11:02:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17466332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akgerhardt/pseuds/akgerhardt
Summary: "... Would it be so bad if I stayed?"





	1. Chapter 1

It was a stupid idea- asinine, really. He’s not sure why he let himself be talked into it.

Maybe he's hit a new low, following his younger brother and their internet friends around. Maybe he doesn’t have a social life, and his excuse to spend time with them is to provide tech support and safety. Maybe he wants to experience their happiness vicariously.

It doesn't matter now. It’s been way too long of a road trip, especially considering that they don't have a car. Buses and trains all the way, a summer-long, cross-country itinerary to hit the most notorious “haunted” locations. Dave scares pretty easily but plays it off, while John nerds out over the slightest indication of the paranormal. Jane is all about skeptical sleuthing, and she butts heads with her cousin in the most hilarious manner.

Dirk, however, is tired of this steaming pile of horseshit. Wasting money on tourist traps, crashing in cheap motels, trespassing onto more obscure grounds and even abandoned buildings that just look creepy… It's pointless. He misses the luxuries and privacy of home- mainly, his fuckin’ sweet personal shower rig.

It’s another one of those “Hey, that random house looks spooky, let’s wait ‘til dark to check it out and split up like the goddamn Mystery Gang,” nights. He especially hates when they do that, but he's not going to object, because they'll just accuse him of being scared, which he's not. He's already pointed out that there could be a serial killer squatting in these kinds of places. They're probably going to run into rats and cobwebs, but the humidity is hellish enough. They don’t care. He wants to stay in the motel, but it's his self-appointed duty to keep these dumbasses safe.

He trails after them begrudgingly, hopping through the broken window. They disperse as soon as their feet touch the ground. To be fair, Dave isn't gung-ho about going, either, but he's still in his edgy poser phase. It’s pretty obvious that he and Dirk are related.

Dirk walks around in apprehensive silence. The place was likely looted decades prior, and its age shows in the way nature is reclaiming it. He ducks under leafy vines until he reaches the nearest door, carefully opening it. Like everything else, it creaks. The room is illuminated by moonbeams from a hole in the ceiling, so he shuts off his phone light to save the battery. It’s almost peaceful here, sans the sounds of horny insects. Plants are actually sprouting up through the decaying floorboards.

This is undoubtedly the least unnerving place they've been to. Hopefully, the others will realize and they’ll leave early for once. He doubts it, though; they're probably conducting recorded interviews right about now and looking like tools wearing the heat-vision goggles they bought on Craigslist.

He surveys his surroundings nonchalantly. Old, late-Victorian. There’s a stack of well-worn books stowed in the corner behind the dresser, which he almost overlooks. Before he can snoop, a slight movement in his peripheral catches his attention.

It was probably a flickering shadow from leaves rustling in the wind... Wait, wind? The air was fucking stagnant until now, and-

Something’s sniffing him. He jumps backwards, and is knocked to the floor in a whoosh. He’s pinned and assailed by more sniffs and localized gusts, then invisible slobber. Well, this is a unique way to go.

“Harley, no! Come back, boy!”

There’s a couple more licks, then the pressure is relieved. He scrambles away, searching frantically for the source of the whisper.

      “... Hey there, demons. Sorry to intrude; didn’t think this place was occupied.”

There’s a long span of silence, then he picks up even fainter frantic whispering.

“No, no you are not getting us caught! I know you’re excited, but do you want to end up in a vacuum?! I think NOT!”

      “I, uh. Just wanted to let you know that I can hear you. I’m not here to ghostbust anyone. Also, I can’t get out. Please don’t possess me; I have kids.”

“Unblock it this instant, you conniving furball!”

      “Are you-”

“Oh, consarn it! We’re stuck between a rock and a boulder…”

      “... It’s “a rock and a hard place,” but if you’re aiming for creativity-”

“Alright, I’ve just about had it with you.”

      “Me?”

“Yes, you. You trespass, you call us demons, you try to trick us with your tomfoolery, and then you have the audacity to be a smart alec?!”

      “Sorry; old habits die hard.”

“Begone already, foul exorcist! You will not use your sorcery on us.”

      “Sorcery?”

“You think I can’t see past your folly?! You’re holding a soul-snatcher!”

      “Wait, shit, no. This device is a modern telephone.”

“A likely story.”

      “It’s technology-”

“The Ghostbusters use technology! You’re just trying to lure us over. Let me tell you something, wise guy. If you so much as harm a hair on my ethereal canine, there WILL be hell to pay.”

      “Holy shit, you have a ghost dog.”

“You’re a regular Sherlock, aren’t you? Leave while you can, and speak not a word of this if you value your wellbeing!”

Whatever was keeping the door shut disappears, and the doorknob twists open for him. He hesitates.

      “Thanks for sparing me. You’re the chillest and only specters I’ve ever encountered, and I’ll take your secret to my grave... If it’s any consolation, _Ghostbusters_ is just a moving picture. Purely fictional.”

“... Well, why didn’t you say that earlier?! Prove it.”

      “How?”

“I don’t know! You’re the one with the doohickey.”

      “Right. Ok, so my phone doesn’t work well here because it’s far from the towers- those eyesores that look like oil rigs hooked up to wires- but there’s an application that plays movies. If you read the screen-”

A cold presence appears, hovering over his shoulder. He tries to remain unaffected.

      “... I’m submitting the word to a search engine, and a worldwide network of machines is retrieving information about it to display here. See? _Ghostbusters_ \- movie, 19-”

“Holy fucking frying pans flipping flapjacks!”

      “I know. Welcome to the future, geezer...”

It takes his phone, flying away.

      “Hey, I need that!”

It stops near the ceiling, then manifests into the form of young man, tapping on the screen excitedly as he floats. He’s well-dressed, with a bow tie and a handlebar mustache to match.

“This is fantomenal! Science has come such a long way since my time…”

      “When did you, uh-”

“Nineteen twenty-two.”

      “Damn.”

With a gesture, the dog appears and bounds back over to Dirk. He’s ready for him this time, balancing his weight so that he’s just hugging his shoulders.

      “Harley, right?”

“With two earls.”

      “L’s?”

“Yes, that’s what I said.”

      “Halley, gotcha.”

Despite not being a dog person, he gives him a plethora of affection. He figures it’s been too long since they’ve had company, and he deserves it, regardless.

      “I’m Dirk. Dirk Strider.”

“I'm... Jake. Harley.”

      “Your dog’s name is your surname?”

“Well, yes. He’s my guardian.”

...

      “But… Nevermind.”

A good half-hour or so passes before his phone rings. The specter yelps, recoiling, and he barely catches it.

“Sorry!”

      “That’s the sound it makes when someone’s calling. I’m gonna answer, ok?

...

      Sup?”

                “Dude, where are you? John’s finally done, and I’m tired of almost pissing myself.”

He worries his lip, still wide-eyed.

      “I’ll meet you out front.”

He sighs in relief once Dirk indicates that the call has ended.

“... Wait, you’re leaving already? But-”

      “I have to escort the rest of the intruders- my lil’ bro and friends. Don’t worry; I won’t tell anyone anything.”

“I’m coming with you!”

      “What? Why?”

“Frankly, because I’ve been bored out of my skull for decades with no one to converse with, and I rather fancy this doodad. I’d like to learn about everything else I’ve missed!”

      “That’s fair, but, uh. Shit. This is unheard of in lore. Aren’t you, like, trapped here?”

“Dirk, I practically live in the movie theater- my only "limitation" is Harley, simply because I have to keep him out of trouble. Those tales you heard are a load of crock. I’m fairly certain that I’m the only spook that exists, and I didn’t go around inspiring them. Ghosts aren’t _real_ , silly!”

      “Says the ghost who believed in ghostbusters.”

“I thought it was a documentary, or at least inspired by true events! The effects were very convincing… Don't give me that look!”

      “Just sayin’, it was a low-budget comedy. And, if you're up to speed on modern cinema, how do you not know about cellphones?”

“Enough of this malarkey. Take whatever you want- I “borrowed” these tomes from the local library and reread them too many times, so if you could return them when you’re done, that’d be grand. This isn’t even our house! It just happened to be uninhabited when we first came to and were in need of a hideout, you know? I count myself lucky that it's still standing, because it surely would have been condemned if anyone cared enough to inspect it.”

He nods, pocketing a couple broken china pieces and antique coins.

“Oh, you’re probably wondering how we died. Rest assured that I haven't the slightest clue. Can't recall a blessed thing; never even found our bodies. Can you believe it? Heheh…”

      “The more you tell me, the less sense it makes. Maybe I’m dreaming for once…”

Jake hands him the stack of books with a cheeky grin.

“Guess I'm shrouded in mystery, eh?”

      “More like bs, but sure… So, are you going to introduce yourself to them, or-”

“I think I'll lurk for the time being. You can't blame a cryptid for wanting to conceal himself.

...

Is that alright? You can still sense me and Harley.”

      “Don’t go into bathrooms, and don’t stare at us or do anything from a B-list horror movie.”

“Gross. I'm offended that you would assume I'm a Peeping Tom.”

      “Just covering my bases. Also, I can’t let people think I hallucinate… I have a phone earpiece in my bag back at the motel, so I can talk to you when I'm wearing it.”

“Okie dokes! We're going to have a gay time, you and me.”

…

His phone rings again, but his hands are full, so he heads out, scaling the rickety stairs while they fly ahead.

                “Hot damn, you scored!”

      “Just library books. I got you some little shits, though.”

                “Hell yeah.”

The group walks several blocks to the bus, and he slightly envies Jake’s effortless travel, not helped by having to carry so many books. Once they board the bus, his previously normal-sized acquaintances perch on his shoulders cheerfully like a cartoon devil and angel. To say he was surprised would be an understatement. Leave it to them to break the laws of physics.

He ignores the ticklish sensation of Halley’s feathery tail wagging against his neck until it becomes irritating, reaching over casually. His fingers phase through him as he makes a scratching motion, and now he’s getting slobbered on again. He sighs, hoping they’ve reached maximum annoyingness, and then Jake starts humming, still swinging his legs back and forth. Goddammit.

He gets a break once they arrive, hauling ass and equipment up to their rooms and stumbling in. He does his nightly routine and promptly collapses on the junkyard-quality bed. He watches Halley explore the new surroundings before darting off, phasing through the wall. He quirks an eyebrow at Jake.

“He’s a nosy bugger, heheh. He’ll be back once he satisfies his curiosity.”

He nods slightly. Dave returns and turns off the light, planking onto the other bed with a muffled “night,” which is reciprocated. The Crockerberts are in the neighboring room.

Something feels off, so he begrudgingly opens his eyes and finds Jake’s glowing form reclining next to him under the covers. He practically falls out.

“You alright, chap? … My apologies; did I overstep?”

He shakes his head, grabbing his phone. He squints as he fumbles to dim the brightness, then opens a memo.

[Just caught me off-guard. It’s fine.]

“Right, sorry. So, you’re sure you don’t mind?”

[I figured you slept in midair, if at all.]

“I do, yes. I haven’t had a bed in eighty-odd years, but they’re far cozier! I don’t have to sleep; it’s habitual to get a reprieve from consciousness.”

[I can dig that. So, is this the part where we lay parallel, and then I wake up with you koala-hugging me? Followed by a “Whoopsy daisy! Sorry about that, old sport, haha! Shall we continue in this manner until we are literally bedded?”]

…

[Because, for the record, I’m not above that. I’m one thirsty-ass motherfucker, desperate for any kind of physical affection. Lay it on me, man.]

He snickers embarrassedly, entwining his tail with his nearer leg from the calf down and draping an arm across his torso. He snuggles against his side and lays his head on his chest like it’s nobody’s business, sighing happily. He feels significantly lighter than a human, somewhat cold at first but reflecting warmth as time passes, like a blanket. Dirk was not expecting this to turn out in his favor, but he’ll take it. He pets his translucent hair, focusing on his breathing in an attempt to maintain composure.

“This is downright heavenly… God, how I’ve longed for human contact, and you’re so… alive. Thank you.”

He phases his hand through the cloth to stroke his skin directly, and Dirk’s heart flutters at the soft, gentle touches. It’s electrifying and almost unbearably sweet, like the contact is bypassing his dick in favor of his soul. He can’t remember the last time he felt so content.

Maybe this trip was worth it, after all.


	2. Chapter 2

Jake is… not clingy so much as touchy-feely. He’s practically become Dirk’s shadow, and he’s happiest when he’s glued to Dirk in some manner. It could be as simple as napping in his pocket or floating next to him while he stands in line with his friends, arm just barely brushing against his. Alternatively, Dirk could be trying to interact with someone other than him while he's nuzzling and winding around him like a gay ferret. It’s distracting, to say the least. At this rate, someone's bound to notice.

Dirk now fully grasps the proverb, “Be careful what you wish for.” Not that his intense loneliness made this happen- he doesn’t believe in superstitious shit. Jake is rather amusing when he bristles and goes on tangents about how the supernatural is a lot of bull and poppycock, and Dirk likes to ruffle his feathers over the irony of the situation, along with the fact that he is easily frightened and will actually detach from him to stay behind when he goes into “haunted” attractions. He won't even listen to those costumed guides tell stories that are very obviously fabricated.

“I may not buy any of it, but that doesn't mean I'll subject myself to it! Yes, I am afraid of things that go bump in the night, regardless of their existence or lack thereof. Accepting my truth can only make me braver! The more you believe in something, the more real it will seem to be. And then, of course, you have self-fulfilling prophecies-”

Dirk’s mind wanders as the wisps of his tail curl around his side, spiraling more erratically whenever he gets frustrated. It’s like a mood ring. Long and swirly at rest, short and jagged during anxious moments. The tail itself isn't a singular, solid thing- it’s like a constantly changing array of smoky tendrils, both a dissolved lower half and an extension of his sentience, tangible at his discretion. Such a state warrants at least one hentai joke, but the effort and awkwardness required to build up to it outweigh the smug satisfaction. Besides, he can switch to legs when he fancies, and Dirk doesn't want to lose the privilege of having ecto wiggles splayed across him (or in him, should Jake someday be down for that). Maybe he'll just casually show him hentai and hope for the best, in the same manner that conservationists show endangered pandas porn to encourage mating.

No, he won't stoop that low. Can't subject a guy to unwanted sexual content. Besides, he’s never indicated desire for anything besides bro cuddles, and Dirk is more than satisfied as is. He just… has a lot of intrusive thoughts regarding the matter, particularly when he’s blowing loads in the shower. He can't help it, but he does feel lingering guilt afterwards.

They're almost always around other people, and he needs to get a grip. It’s even harder to focus at the present, with both Jake and Jane talking at him simultaneously and him being expected to keep up with the latter while the former’s chattering in his ear.

                  “So, you see? I was right! And did you know that there are no requirements for a film to claim it was based on real events? There’s no board certifying even a smidgen of credibility-”

“I couldn’t sleep a wink after I saw _The Mothman Prophecies_ , heheh. I thought it'd be akin to _Flyman_ , or perhaps a nocturnal oracle whose weakness is lightbulbs. Land sakes alive, I felt like unseen eyes were watching me wherever I went! Where’s a fella to hide when they always have his exact location in view?! Downright terrifying, to be frank. And the phone calls-”

He gives up trying to cut the too-chewy diner waffles and drops the utensils, shoving one in his mouth and tearing off a piece. The unnecessary amount of force results in him accidentally slamming his arm against the table and cursing reflexively. They fall quiet, and he instantly regrets it.

                 “Are you alright? You’ve seemed a bit on edge this week.”

      “Sorry; there’s just some unwanted bs on my shoulders.”

Jake blinks, not taking the hint. At least Halley hopped off in the startle, but now he’s licking said stack of waffles. 

                 “You can talk about it!”

      “I don’t think I can.”

                 "Come on, tell us. That’s what friends are for!"

      “Fine; I see dead people.”

_“Dirk!”_

                       “Really?!”

      “Yep, I met ghosts. That's definitely what's going on.”

“Dirk…”

                        “Hah! Finally, some action!”

                  “That's not funny! Of course he didn't; I've disproven you all time and time again… Unless-”

Dirk remains stoic and Jake horrified. The group falls into awkward silence until Dave speaks.

            “Dude, no offense, but you’re unhinged. I know we've been stressing you out with our assfuckery-”

      “No, it’s not that. You’re fine.”

...

                  “Dirk, if you’re being sincere, I am very concerned about your wellbeing.”

He sighs, rubbing his brow.

      “I think I just need a breather. Mind if I head back?”

                        “I say we spend today in civilization instead of “dangerous isolation.” Dirk can relax while we do normal human activities, like hitting an old-school arcade! Sound good?”

There’s unanimous agreement, and Dirk leaves, folding up his leftovers in a napkin and shoving it in his pocket. Jake resizes and storms after him. He exits, casually putting his Bluetooth earpiece on.

“How could you?!”

      “Jake.”

“You’re the only person I've placed my trust in posthumous, and you went and broke it like it was nothing!!”

      “Jake.”

“I thought... I thought we were friends.”

His voice falters, and he turns away, floating ahead of him.

      “Jake, I knew they wouldn't believe me. I just wanted to get them off my back. They would've badgered until- Shit, no, please don't cry. I had no intention to go into specifics or tell them you're with us. I'm sorry, ok? It was a stupid joke. Fuck, you’re fast. We were supposed to turn there.”

“I'm going home.”

      “... I don’t know what to say, but I really want you to stay and I'm sorry for being an insensitive prick. I swear, I would never try to expose you. I didn't-”

“ _You_ want _me_ as company? You act as if you don't give a rat’s ass about my presence, and, at the most, you seem annoyed, like I'm inconveniencing you and infringing on your personal life. Frankly, I think I’d be doing you a favor by getting out of your hair.”

      “Look, can we just- Can we please talk about this in the motel? I'm getting weird glances; not that it bothers me, but I’d like to hash this out properly.”

He nods reluctantly, then vanishes and zips around the corner like a nonexistent breeze before Dirk can even take a breath. That’s fair, he thinks; the guy needs to cool down. He fucked up.

He arrives to find him waiting in the stairwell.

“... Forgot which room it was.”

      “No worries. It’s this way.”

Once they reach it, he phases through while Dirk pulls out the key card. He stands in front of the window, gazing past the blinds.

      “Ok, so this is new to me, too. It’s hard to function around other people when you're all over me, and, I don't know if you're aware, but I can't comprehend multiple conversations at once. The time that I do have to myself to decompress is now you time, sans showers. I know you're excited- and it’s fuckin’ adorable, don't get me wrong- but a dude needs his space.”

“... I’m sorry; I thought you liked the affection.”

      “Yeah, but… this is the only action I've ever gotten. Pathetic, right?”

“You’re not alone.

...

And I suppose if I were the one being bombarded, I'd feel suffocated... Hell, I’d likely avoid addressing the issue in fear of causing upsetment.”

      “I just… On top of that, I don’t know how to keep up this Hannah Montana-level duality. Not gonna lie- I question my sanity being the only person who can sense you. Granted, I’m damn lucky to be-”

“I think I understand now… and you weren’t going to out me.”

      “Hell no; I'm not that much of a dick.”

He nods, exhaling shakily. His shoulders relax, and he turns around to face him.

      “I know I'm being redundant, but I really am sorry.”

“No, _I'm_ the one who should be sorry! I didn't even stop to consider your feelings…”

They sit on the bed, a modest amount of space between them. The tension still hangs thick in the air. Dirk pulls out his phone, and Jake fiddles with a loose thread on the blanket.

…

“Do you-”

      “Yes.”

The elastic snaps, and then they're tangled up worse than Dave’s earphones. Jake buries his face in the crook of his neck, trembling slightly. He strokes his back, and Jake wraps his arms around his waist, tail entwining from his abdomen to shoelaces.

“... I'm the pathetic one, clinging to you like a lifeline.”

      “Nah. And I don't mind you gettin’ all up in my business, just… some moments are less than ideal for it.”

“I'll try to use discretion… and thank you.”

      “Likewise.”

…

“Today, I'll introduce myself.”

      “Are you sure? You don’t have to.”

“I want to! Besides, your gal pal looked about ready to drag you to a shrink back there.”

He chuckles, running a hand across the lithe loop of tail below his chest. It tightens, but comfortably so, like strands of silk. The swirls caress him as they snuggle. He feels compelled to ruin the moment.

      “... This is the absolute worst fucking timing, but when I said I wanted you up in my business, I meant in any and every way.

…

      If you ever wanted to put those things inside of me, I'd be a hundred percent down.”

He flinches, switching back to legs embarrassedly but not withdrawing.

      “Too far?”

“Just a tad, heh…”

      “Sorry.”

“That’s, ah, good to know, though.”

There's a reason Dirk Strider has never gotten laid.

* * *

Jake’s watching YouTube like usual when a barrage of texts from Dave appears.

“Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck-”

      “What?”

He hands him the phone, and he reads them.

[bro youre not gonna believe this]

[we found a ghost dog and chased him for like ten blocks and then i bought his friendship with snausages]

[he was just]

[there]

[sleepin on my goddamn pancakes]

[he was tiny and now hes not but ghosts are REAL and we're adopting him ok it's not up for debate]

[i cant believe it was that easy]

[and in a fuckin diner of all places]

      “... Can I tell him?”

“Might as well.”

[That would be ½ of the ghosts I met. They followed me from the book house.]

[holy shit no fucking way]

[actually that makes sense]

[dont worry im keeping the crockerberts from flippin out and it doesnt look like anyone else can see him but goddamn hes so fluffy and precious]

[how could you hide this literal angel from us dirk i feel so betrayed]

[I tried to tell you.]

[yeah]

[anyway im in love and hes my new best friend]

[poor bastard cant actually eat so he just licks everything and it makes me wonder if theres invisible drool from other ghost dogs on random food]

[like for all you know a ghost cat could be putting its asshole on everything you own]

[dirk how many nonexistent dog shits do you think we've stepped in]

[wait do ghosts even take dumps]

[The human ghost is chillin’ here, and he wants you to know that they don’t have bodily functions. You know, because they're not alive.]

[oh thank fuck]

[Also, he wants to officially meet all of you, as long as you're sworn to secrecy.]

[hell yes]

[gonna pack up all my gear and take their phones so they wont be tempted to capture the moment]

[once they calm down ill tell them but i also kinda really want to kick johns ass in air hockey so we might be a while]

[Take your time.]

“That pup is too clever… He’s a good boy, really. Now the whole shtick’s much easier.”

He's relaxed again, and goes back to playing videos, occasionally cracking up at them and snort-laughing. Dirk hums contently, looking through him with amusement.

* * *

                         “Eat your crappy Crocker brand out, because ghosts are most definitely real! We are beholding nonliving proof!!!”

                  “I take it back, John. But everything else was hogwash, and you can't convince me otherwise.”

...

“Erm. Yes, hello there! I unfortunately can't vouch for the existence of the supernatural, as I have seen neither hide nor hair of any other being. It’s just me and Harley, I'm afraid.”

            “Fine by me, yo. I've wanted this trip to be over since before we left, and now here we are. Maybe we can hit the beach or something and have a fun summer instead of-”

                  “Oh, no, we are seeing this through to the end! We promised the Lalondes we'd be there before August, and that’ll be the best part!”

                        “There’s only six stops left.”

            “Yeah, whatever; you both suck gorilla gonads. So, mister ghost...”

John casually pokes his mustache, finger phasing past it. He gasps in amazement. Jake would be sweating if he was capable of it.

            “That’s just rude, man. Way to make a first impression."

                        “Sorry; I always wanted to poke a ghost. Now I can cross it off my bucket list!”

“Honestly, I don't consider myself a “real” ghost. I can’t put my finger on why, but…”

                        “What were you like when you were alive? Were you famous?!”

“I... don’t know.”

                  “... What do you mean?”

“I don’t remember anything about my life. If not for Harley, I likely would've lost my marbles.”

...

      “So, your name-”

“Not like officialities matter anymore, right? Heh…” 

      “... Why 1922?”

“That was the year I "woke," so to speak... I'm sorry for deceiving you from the get-go; I should've been upfront but I didn't want to turn it into a pity party.”

…

He shifts uncomfortably, disliking being crowded around as the center of attention.

            “Well, that's a lot to unpack, and it really fucking sucks. Do you wanna talk about it, dude?”

“No, no, I'm fine thanks! I got over the whole shebang long ago; can't miss what you’ve forgotten, right? I just hope I wasn’t too horrible, and that no one mourned me...”

Jane assails him with a tight hug, and he squeaks in surprise. Dave and John join, and Dirk awkwardly shuffles over when it's clear that he should be part of it.

“Th- Thank you. Really, though, everything's Jake!

… Sorry, dead lingo. That used to mean it’s ok. You can call me Jake; it sounds fitting!”

He's freed from their attack of love and fixes his appearance, stepping back.

“Now, ah. Could I trouble you to keep this matter under locks?”

                        “Don’t worry; your secret's safe with us! As much as I’d like to be the first ghost finder, you’re nice and I don't want to ruin your afterlife.”

“That’s much appreciated.”

He excuses himself cheerfully, then dissipates. Good gravy, was that how Dirk felt? Granted, he didn’t pry with personal questions, but… Yeesh. He thinks he would like to go back to being invisible fulltime. It was peaceful at home, and Halley and fictional characters were plenty company.

Now, the cat’s out of the bag, and he feels a bit trapped, despite being able to physically leave. He doesn’t like socializing, at least not in these circumstances. Maybe it was just too much, too soon? All he knows is that he likes his Dirk snuggles, but Dirk apparently wants him up his ass, and now four whole people are aware of him, which is four more than he wanted. He should be far away from civilization, keeping Halley safe. He swears that goshdarned darling is determined to integrate him into society, and he won’t allow it. No, they will not become specimens, and he will not be tied to interpersonal obligations. He wishes Halley would listen to him, for Pete’s sake. He’s not dumb, just free-spirited, both metaphorically and literally. He couldn’t stop him from making himself known to a whole city! The thought alone terrifies him. Dirk said the ghostbusters aren’t real, but with modern technology, all eyes would be on him, and who knows what sorts of cruel contraptions they could contrive! He’s too pure for the evils of humanity, and he can’t let them harm him.

He doesn’t know what to do. It doesn’t help that Halley is all buddy-buddy with the Mystery Gang now; he’s glad they treat him well, but how will he ever part ways? He likely won’t.

Jake sighs mentally, flying in the breeze. If Halley stays, then he has to, too. He won’t abandon him. Goddammit, that was the furry rascal’s plan all along, wasn’t it? He feels like a parent learning to let go and trust their kid to make wise decisions, despite having no recollection of raising him and considering him a sort of angelic guardian figure. He’ll just… stick around in case he’s ever in trouble. He worries that decades of talking only to a dog may have impaired him cognitively, and he's probably anthropomorphizing him.

He realizes that he really needs to fucking chill. Take a step back. Breathe, even though he doesn’t need to. He’s high above the clouds now, spirit lifted with the freedom of flight. It’s always been his favorite activity, just whooshing around like wind. Wheeeee. Cinema could never accurately capture such an experience, but he’s considered making anonymous suggestions to creators on more than one occasion.

His second favorite hobby is a tie between spending time with his precious pup and Dirk, and his third is being a passive adventurer. You know, being able to go anywhere, observe people and critters alike- thanks to his weirdness attribute, he can get up close to the teenyest, tiniest bugaboos and plants that would otherwise require high magnification to view. It’s inexplicably awesome; there’s a whole hidden world underfoot! He would like to show his new companions, but he unfortunately can’t decrease anyone’s stature but his own... Maybe he can get really good at storytelling to compensate. Yeah, it’d be fun to entertain them with tales of the wild and bizarre! That sounds like a good place to start. He can do this. He can make friends.

With new resolve, he returns, refreshed. Dirk’s lounging on the rooftop, which he was not expecting. The building’s only three stories tall, but… He was probably doing that “parkour” thing again.

He reforms, hair still windswept. He fumbles to fix it, then gives up, fully reverting his appearance.

“Sorry for scurrying off like that.”

      “It’s chill. Figured you needed a breather.”

“And you?”

      “Workin’ on my tan.”

“Oh, phooey! Any darker and you’ll appear a different ethnicity.”

      “Roofs are prime locations for privacy.”

…

He sits next to him, folding his legs pretzel-style. The minutes pass in silence as they watch the sky, wind whipping around them and sun beating down.

“Would you... Er, that is to say-”

      “Mm?”

“... Wanna neck?”

      “Neck?”

He nods.

      “Not sure I follow. I already have a neck.”

He laughs nervously.

“I, ah... I think the modern slang is “have a sloppy makeout.” Sorry, it was rather forward of-”

  _“Yes.”_


	3. Chapter 3

           “Ok, so I've been givin’ it some thought, and imma put my dick on the itinerary now that there's no point in seeing more haunted shit. Y’all nerds got your spooks and giggles; dunno if you realized, but me and Bro are only here to hang with you. We gotta have _some_ fun.”

                  “... I suppose that's fair. I was looking forward to future debates with cousin dearest, but-”

                        “Eh. To be honest, the official attractions have been pretty lame and not scary. As a gesture of friendship, I welcome your suggestions!”

           “Fuckin’ sweet. First matter of business, hookers and beer.”

     “No.”

                        “Really, Dave?! We are FOURTEEN and my dad would be disappointed. I’d feel bad even if he never found out! We have to be classy _..._ Let’s check out  _Ripley’s Believe it or Not!_ It's on the way, I think.”

           “You know I was just messin’ with you. Testing your peer pressure resistance and all that.”

                          “Sure you were.”

           “Yeah, so museums are unironically awesome. I demand to see the Smithsonian. If we pass a vinyl shop, that’d be pretty sweet, too.”

     “Gonna be a nightmare transit-wise… but we'll manage.”

                   “What about you, Dirk?”

     “Total altruism over here. Goin’ with the flow.

      ...

      A horse stable and an anime con, one that sells authentic Japanese weaponry.”

                        “You'd really carry weeb shit all the way across the country? Hah, imagine if you got arrested for wielding swords.”

     “That’s a risk I'm willing to take... Should be fine once we're back in Texas.”

           “We also gotta hit a beach... Maybe save that for when the Lalondes join. Oh, yo, and a theme park. _Then_ we'll crash a shitty music fest and act like pompous hipsters to blend in. Rose an' I will sell it.”

Jane writes down each idea, even puppetry and magic/prank/detective museums. She wedges in a tour of CrockerCorp as well, and Jake just watches them carry on cheerfully.

                 “Oh! What would you like to do?”

“... Me? Gosh, that's awfully thoughtful. I don’t think I _can_ do anything, but I'm having a grand time already! Please, don’t fret.”

     “He likes movies.”

“Yes, but I could view them anytime.”

                 “What are your other interests, Jake? I'm sure we can find something you'll enjoy!”

“Really, I'm peachy keen just jiving with you all!

… I don’t exactly have “other interests” or hobbies- at least, none that I recall.”

     “You like my phone.”

“And I have it, thanks much.”

…

                         “We will have at least one Jake day, whether you like it or not! What about your dog? Do you think he wants to do anything?”

He laughs tiredly.

“Trust me, he does whatever he wants and comes and goes as he pleases. We won't need to facilitate that.”

…

           “So, we got it all figured out?”

                  “More or less, hoo hoo!”

           “Good, ‘cause our next reservation is that fancy-ass, ritzy hotel, and it has a goddamn pool and hot tub. I wanna get there ASAP.”

They pack up and head out, taking the overnight train. It’s too crowded and too long of a trip, but Jake gives him a reprieve by napping in his hoodie pouch. Dirk plays with him between his hands absentmindedly and watches Halley from the window as he nyooms alongside them. There’s so much that doesn’t make sense about the ghostly duo, but they’re happy and harmless, so it's not worth delving into. However, that won't stop him from taking field notes on ectobiology.

The check-in time isn't for another couple hours, so they stored their luggage, then left to grab dollar-store food and dick around in town. Dirk stayed behind and doesn’t regret it, especially now that he’s soaking low in the hot tub with an invisible hentai dude. They have the whole room to themselves, and Jake is willing to indulge him.

It’s been a very, very good day for Dirk, but he now understands the danger of staying submerged in hot water for too long on top of physical exertion, sleep deprivation, and low blood sugar. He passed the fuck out after nutting twice, but Jake managed to keep him from going under and hauled him over to one of the chair thingys, posing him like a snoozing Bernie with his shades once he confirmed that he was alright. Dirk wakes to a fancy breakfast buffet platter and a variety of beverages to choose from, all of which were smuggled out surreptitiously and then curtained by towels, since it was neither free nor allowed in the pool area. Jake feels rather accomplished for pulling off this heist, albeit guilty for being the one to put him in this position. Dirk assures him that it wasn’t his fault, and that he'd totally do it again, just once he’s taken care of his physical needs in advance. They veg together in the sunny, comfortably humid, chlorine-scented, high ceiling-ed glass building, surrounded by fake plants. Fuckin’ paradise. When the evidence of contraband is gone, Jake cuddles with him under the fluffy towels. He’s still light-headed, but they're perfectly content with their circumstances. Thankfully, he got a decent nap in and feels better by the time the little shits and saggy seniors show up. He redresses and chills on one of the plush armchairs in the fancy, air-conditioned lobby, connecting to the Wi-Fi while he waits for the others to return. Jake goes off to explore and is disgusted to find even more fake plants, flowers, and trees, but he does appreciate the pretty koi pond and waterfall out front.

“Those fishies have ample room and no one's thrown coins at them, so I daresay _they’re_ happy... For chrissake, though, would it kill these people to not use bad chemicals and keep some living vegetation inside? I just- All of the waste and destruction nigh everywhere we've gone, it’s flippin’ awful…”

     “I feel you, man. This is our only bs splurge, but I'm taking all of the free shit and tipping the cleaning people.”

He nods, somewhat consoled.

...

“From what I gathered, this place was once a forest and now it's scalped with stupid grass… We’ve done a real whammy on the planet, haven't we?” he sighs. “I didn't notice at the time, but, looking back, everything went to shit over the past century. It friggin’ sucks…”

     “... Sorry, I don’t know what to say.”

“Nothing to say, heheh. My apologies for being a wet towel."

He snorts at the pun, leaning back as Jake snuggles up in his lap and lays his head on his chest. He really wants to hold him, but it would draw attention if his arms were suspended in midair. Instead, he hums quietly, closing his eyes.

“... That came out of nowhere. I didn't think I cared so much.”

     “Maybe you were a naturalist in your past life?”

“Heck if I know, but I certainly don't qualify as an expert in any field now... Would you believe I didn't even remember how to speak at first? It’s absurd... Though, sometimes I stumble across what might be foggy memories triggered by familiarity...”

Dirk glances around, finding no staff members looking in his direction. Surreptitiously, he strokes his back. Jake sighs, relaxing against him.

“You make everything better- that I'm sure of.”

He presses a kiss to the top of his head as they get more comfortable. By the time the others return, they're out cold again.

Dirk gets some serious R&R over the next four days there, opting not to join their safe recreational activities. His bed is soft as fuck, the shower has a strong massage nozzle, the gym and pool are awesome, and, most importantly, he has a heavenly companion to try weird shit and watch movies with. He’s having the time of his life. It’s nice to be rich from phallic puppet porn and fetish art. Dave thinks it's his robotics work that brings in the dough, and he'll take this secret to his grave. Can't give the kid career ideas- he has to at least try to be a half-decent role model. When he’s older, he can decide whether he wants to be a furry or whatever, and Dirk will support his choices.

Jake shares a lot of misadventure stories, and they're priceless. They find out that he can possess technology when he accidentally Blue Skadoo’s into his phone, and Dirk offers to make him an android to inhabit. Jake isn't interested in having a real body, though, so he drops it.

“With all due respect, I don’t need one. What if I became an emotionless tin can? No, thank you. I'm quite content as is and I'd wager that you are too.”

     “Suit yourself,” he shrugs. “Just wanted to offer. You’re a hundred percent right that I enjoy getting ghostbusted.”

He snickers embarrassedly, leaning in for another ethereal smooch. Mm, yeah, that's the good shit. The chaste pecks fill Dirk’s stomach with butterflies, and the long, passionate kisses fill his mind with fireworks. Every touch is like a ripple of pleasure, and even the faintest, most gentle affections leave him weak. At least part of the sensations are normal neediness, but, at this point, he doubts that he'd care if the dude wanted his soul and/or body in exchange for more sweet summer lovins. Lucky for him, Jake has no ulterior motives. He wears his nonexistent heart on his sleeve, which Dirk admires. He makes candid speech and emotional transparency look so easy, but he attributes his lack of excess baggage to simply having forgotten it.

Still, Dirk isn't stressing or obsessing anywhere near as much as he used to. When he catches himself starting up again, he does his best to douse the fire before it can reach his mental gunpowder kegs. He's often wished for an off switch to catch a break from his batshit thought processes, but he’s been putting a lot of effort into chilling. He's even read self-help ebooks- that has to count for something, right?

            "Dude, you’re cooler than a cucumber in the pre-Antropocene Artic. Ice cold."

      "I have my moments."

             "Still, lightyears ahead of New Orphan-Slash-Parent."

      "Thanks," he smirks, patting his back awkwardly.

                                 "I dunno; you should spend some time with my dad to adopt fatherly charisma. You don't even make the jokes!"

      "I am not, and will never be, a dad."

                          "Not even a daddy~?"

He chokes on air, causing a goddamn humiliating scene. It’s her fault. 

      "... Jane. What. The  _fuck."_

She's laughing her ass off, Prankster's Gambit through the roof. Jake is at a complete and utter lost, which Dirk is grateful for. 

             "Holy shit, what possessed you to go there?" 

                     "Oh, I don’t know... Pity it wasn’t Jake." 

"... Er."

 _"_ What? You must've been a heartbreaker back in the day. All that gentlemanly charm, and so handsome~"

...

                            "Jane, you are either drunk or in need of an exorcism."

Dave takes a whiff of her glass, wrinkling his nose.

            "Yep, that's not water. Shoulda brought enough to share with the class," he huffs, picking up another fry to resume his ketchup painting. 

                     "I wanted to treat myself for once. Don’t judge; I'm an adult..." 

                           "Ugh, this is not going to end well. You guys might want to skedaddle."

Dirk shoots a worried glance her way, but gets up to leave anyway, wrapping his leftovers in napkins as is Strider custom. Jake seems to be frozen in a panicked stupor, so he nonchalantly takes his hand, leading him away like a kid tugging a balloon.

                       "... They’re gay?" she squeaks. He lets go and quickens his pace, and then Jake snaps out of it and disappears. 

                       "Jake, you can't be! You were supposed to court me and-"

            "Yo, c'mon, sit back down and finish your nuggies."

                               "Nothing to see here, folks! Alcohol-induced hallucinations aren't worth gawking over."

When they get back to their room, Jake is pensive. Minutes pass in silence before he speaks.

"I don’t understand."

      "Yeah, wasn't exactly expecting that."

"Why doesn't she want me to be happy?"

      "... You-"

"I mean, everyone deserves to be gay! Her included. She can be gay without me as a suitor, for chrissake... Perhaps we should tell them." 

...

      "There's no alternative, but it can't be harder than introducing you. Ideally, she won't remember once she's sober so we can ease into it." 

"I hope so..."

Jake curls up in an impossibly snug ball in his hoodie hideout, then nuzzles the finger that's stroking his hair.


	4. Chapter 4

                “I'm very happy for you two!”

           “Ditto."

                       “... But how do you guys-”

                  _“John!”_

                       “What?”

           “Wow, John. The Class Master strikes again, asking some poor dead guy if he still has a working dick. For fuck's sake, do I have to haul you to one of those prissy etiquette classes for pompous assholes where they balance books on their heads and use too many utensils just so you'll stop pullin' this shit? Like, Jesus, I thought I was bad-”

                         “Ok, ok, sorry! Yeesh... I'm just saying, ectobiology is a-”

Dirk clears his throat, drawing their attention to the fact that Jake disappeared.

     “... I'm gonna step out for a bit now that the horse has left the stable. Uh, I'll have my phone?”

He leaves awkwardly, only to find that Jake had retreated to his pocket. He winds around him once more, burying his face into his tiddy with a sigh.

“You don't suppose we could pretend I'm gone for good, do you? I could be your imaginary friend, invisible even to you if you fancy!”

     “As much as I like the idea of getting a handjob from thin air, I'd feel guilty lying to them. It'll be fine, dude. Just give ‘em time.”

He nods, still dying of embarrassment.

"... Did she sound upset to you? I couldn't tell; she's excellent at wearing a smile."

    "Nah; she barely knows you. I think it was the alcohol talking... but I'll get her aside later."

"Thank you..."

They meander through the acres of backyard to clear their heads, breeze messing up Dirk's hair as Jake drifts with it. Dirk is freezing at sixty-two degrees, and he’s considered doubling hoodies on multiple occasions once they got to the northern states. Jake is drawn to his body heat like usual, but he doesn’t think much of the temperature, just reflecting it. Dirk makes a mental note never to visit Canada, because he does not want to deal with a Jakesicle in his shirt.

This town is quite mundane, and they're staying in an Airbnb that their polterpup helped pick out. The cottage itself looked creepy in the photos (hence John urging them to choose it), but it's pretty chill in-person, old in the grandmotherly way. Definitely not fodder for a horror movie.

The overabundance of flowering plants makes it a warm and welcoming atmosphere, rusted iron fence covered in twisting trumpet flower vines that are frequented by hummingbirds. Butterflies and bees flit around the others, and birds bathe in the fountain. There is no lawn or patio to sit on, just a mini-meadow divided by a stepping stone path. Jake flits around like the aforementioned butterflies, poofing up close to different species in awe. It’s fucking beautiful.

They don't know anything about the history of the place, as it was rented out by an estate realtor under the table. Shady, yeah, but it was cheap as hell and it still has working utilities. Nothing’s fallen off yet, so that's a good sign. Dirk wonders if the chick ever actually visits, since they clearly don't have a landscaper. It’s not like it matters, though.

The only dilapidated part is the greenhouse. It’s supposed to be off-limits, but that didn't stop them before. Dirk hops the fence, and Jake follows. Panes of glass are missing, through which monstrous greenery has emerged, tilted towards the sun.

“Quite impressive,” he murmurs, examining a rose bush yards tall. “I'd say this is a prime example of survival of the fittest.”

     “I'd agree.”

The door to it is locked but easily remedied by Jake phasing through to turn the handle. If they ever decided to adopt a life of crime, they’d have no trouble. Dirk knows Jake wouldn't go there unless it was warranted, but it's an amusing prospect. They’re still considering the idea of forming a real Mystery Gang, but they can't decide who best fits each role. He thinks they'd make good detectives, should shenanigans arise.

Jake lifts thorny branches to clear a walkway for Dirk, and then they're standing in the center of the floor, surrounded by some ornate, circular design that’s composed of spirals, swirls, and ovals of differently-colored tiles. They’re pretty, though faded from age. Jake is staring at them, mesmerized.

“Isn't this symbol from a movie?”

     “Don’t think so. Then again, you watch a lot of shitty ones.”

He ignores him, furrowing his brow in concentration.

“No, no, it’s definitely from something! I just can't recall what…”

     “Déjà vu, maybe?”

“I don’t know, but it's bothering me something awful! I swear, I've seen the exact image before.”

     “Don’t sweat it. If it makes you feel better, I believe you.”

“... Heh, thanks.”

They explore the crowded space, and Dirk’s trying not to trip on vines when Halley poofs next to him. He jumps, almost losing his balance. Halley just grins innocently in the way that dogs so, then drags Jake over to a corner of potted plants.

“Lookie! He found a little statue.”

It's about a foot tall and barely noticeable in the mess. It bears a striking resemblance to Halley, which Jake points out. He goes to pick it up and show Dirk, but it just tilts forward and triggers a goddamn cinematic reaction. The ground shakes, beginning to spin slowly with the sound of grinding stones. The entire floor turns until they're underground. Dirk is on the verge of a panic attack, regretting staying put.

“This is fantomenal! It's just like in _National Treasure_ when-”

     “How the fuck am I going to get out of here?” he half-whispers.

“Oh, sorry. Don’t fret; we'll carry you up!”

He nods, trying to stop shaking. The hideout is way too big, and the light from above barely illuminates their immediate surroundings. He turns on his phone, looking around warily. Jake notices his anxiety and sticks close to him.

“We could leave now, if you'd like.”

     “Don’t want to be a wet blanket on the flames of adventure.”

“Shush, that's impossible. I can always come back alone!”

He smooches his cheek, taking his hand reassuringly.

     “... Let’s scope it out real quick.”

He advances before he can lose his nerve or let Jake convince him to return to safety.

     “You scared?”

“Yes, but in a good way! It's not like we'll find monsters or ghosts, since they're not real. It’s the thrill of the _unknown_ that's got me razzed!”

…

The elevator suddenly twists closed again, in a manner far too fast to be plausible. They’re in complete and utter darkness, save for his phone.

“... Maybe there’s another pup down here to flip?”

      “Maybe I was invited to join the ghost club.”

Halley starts growling, and it appears to echo. Dirk tightens his grip on his hand.

“It’s ok, boy, just-”

In a flash, a beast appears, mirroring Halley's form. Black smoke and localized lightning frame the very solid-looking, grayish wolfdog, whose eyes glow impossibly green as if radioactive. It snarls, bounding over without warning. Halley's fur stands up as he prepares to attack. Jake materializes fully between the dogs, shutting his eyes and bracing for the worst. It was a pretty bad idea, but he couldn't live with himself if Halley got hurt protecting him.

Everything happens at once, like a ghostsplosion. Dirk shields his face, and then he checks the scene. They’re gone- No, they Blue-Skadoo’d into his phone again, as evident by the heat and glitching. Damn technophiles. He sets it on the floor and steps far away, hoping they won't blow it up. Almost an hour passes, but his wish is granted when Halley zaps back, followed by Jake and... a girl. Huh, undead furries are a thing. Werewolf ghosts; who knew?

They look like they were doing a lot of crying in there, but he doesn't want to point it out. Jake dries his tears on his already-damp sleeve, clean arm entwined with hers. He takes a moment to compose himself and revert his appearance to its original tidiness.

“This is my sister. We've got many long-winded conversations ahead, but she'll get you above ground first."

     “That’s much appreciated.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://youtu.be/-TqfBEX6QtE


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me and the boys getting ready to pose like a team, because shit just got SPOOKY.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some masterpieces by hootpoop12 and kuboe on tumblr; a buzzfeed unsolved au would be fuckin' gold and totally viable when the kids get older lol
> 
> I've been attempting to draw the whole Mystery Gang in vain, but if I ever figure out art you can bet that I'll post it here


	7. Chapter 7

Once everyone finally chilled out, they were able to congregate in the living room. The irony of their chosen location amuses Dirk, but it doesn't feel like the right time to crack jokes. 

It’s the only space big enough for a group, anyway. The furniture looks as old as the house, seats and carpet worn threadbare in parts. The curtains are faded, not unlike construction paper left out in the sunlight for too long. Still, it's cozy and peaceful. The specters opt to recline in midair to allow their corporal companions to sit, the girl hovering crosslegged with her long skirt neatly folded around her as if there was a second, invisible floor under her. Jane returns from making tea, bringing two extra cups for them to be polite. 

                 "Jade, is it? Thank you for joining us on this lovely day!"

        "You're in  _ my _ house," she giggles. "The whole thing is pretty silly the more I think about it! I was sad at first, but it's ok."

                       "Yeah, I'd be sad too if I got reincarnated as a furry ghost." Dave whaps him with a throw pillow, and he apologizes, claiming sincerity.

           "Suave as always, goddamn… Though Casper the Furry Ghost has a nice ring to it-"

        "I'm ignoring you since you're probably ten year olds." John tries to correct her, but she continues. "Anyway, here's our story!! At least, the parts I remember. 

         We joined the No Family Club when we were six. A very wicked but wealthy CEO found us once we got older and thought being twins made us gifted, so she sent us to a special boarding school and promised us a home if we proved we could live up to her standards. Jake is a very smart guy, but not in the ways the instructors said he should be, so they flunked him. I got really mad about that, but they wouldn't let him stay. I ended up graduating high school there once I turned thirteen, and then I went back to break Jake out of the orphanage before she could try to adopt me. It was an awful place! There were no nice people at all. I used to beat up the jerks who messed with him, so me leaving made them think it was ok to be bullies again... Why do people have to be so  _ mean?" _ she sighs. "... Oh, yeah! So, we ran away at thirteen and got into lots of shenanigans and adopted Halley as a stray. I somehow made a name for myself as a science girl, and I ended up with a couple degrees and enough money to buy this nice place and build a secret underground lab with Jake! That was his idea, hehe- he was inspired by the temples and pyramids he read about. It let us live semi-normal lives under the radar and do a lotta stuff of dubious legality. He designed funky inventions there and kept a steady income by selling prototype designs like I sold my breakthroughs and writings! It would've been nice to not have our things passed off as other people's, but it's not like anyone would've given  _ us _ credibility in the scientific community, and someone probably would've come along to steal them if we tried to go out on our own anyway… Sorry, I'm rambling again!! Ugh. It's been way too long since I could think straight and talk to other people."

They fall silent until Dirk gathers the nerve to speak.

     "... If you don't mind me asking, what happened?" 

           "I told you, it's silly… Jake was working on- Wait, Jake, do you remember? You can tell them if you want!"

"It’s coming back, I think- veeeery slowly… Heh, I, ah… I was tinkering with quantum doodads and collaborating with Jade. It was such a blast whenever we put our heads together! She was trying to… to save Harley- immortalize him, even. Is that correct?" She nods, so he continues. "Her approach was to find a way to harness dark energy and use it to rejuvenate him, though the logistic factoids are beyond me. In short, we decided to take a stab at fiddling with the laws of this dimension so he could stick around forever. It was fun until we finally gave the contraption a whirl and Harley plum disappeared. She tried to bring him back, but all that happened was… erm… what happened to her. I found myself with an otherworldly canine chomping at my heels and ducked into the machine, hoping I could bring Harley back and sort things out from there. Instead, it went kerplooey, and- that's the last thing I recall from before I woke up in the middle of nowhere with him. None of it was her fault, though! I'd wager anyone would be disoriented in that state, and she didn't cause any harm. She's okie dokes now; just needed a bit of memory jogging. Right?"

Jade shrugs, floating her empty teacup upside-down.

        "To be honest, I dunno... I think Halley helped me snap out of it, but I kinda forget most of when I was like that." 

"Well, all's well that ends well, I say! We get to watch films on Dirk's handheld doohickey now, and look at us- we're flippin' AWESOME!" he grins, whooshing through the walls to demonstrate. 

    "Gotta admit, it's pretty fucking sweet."

"Darn tootin it is! 

… So, what in the Dickens do we do with ourselves now that the musketeers are back together?" 

        "Hmmmm… Well, it'd be nice to have my house back, but at least we can sneak into the lab anytime. I don't really have any ideas about where to go from here, though."

Dave takes an undignified slurp, trying to look classy by sticking out his pinky.

           "You can join us for shenanigans. There're still two peeps left to meet, and at least one of 'em's gonna bust a nut over your existence."

        "That sounds like fun!!!" she cheers.

They fall into a more awkward silence this time. Jade scratches her doggy ear, and then John makes an attempt to poke it but is stopped by Jane before she can notice. 

        "Oh!!! Would you guys like pseudo-immortality?"

…

                 "What was that?"

        "I think we can make you stop aging. You'll still be able to die, but you don't have to get wrinkly and achy and all that junk." 

"Would anyone in their right mind  _ not  _ want that? Good gravy! But… But how? You didn't tell me about-"

        "I just thought of it right now because I don't really wanna be stuck watching other people get old if they let us stay with them. Plus, that way we get to die when they do!"

"... Beg pardon, what?"

        "Yeah! We just bind our energy to them so it all balances out! Trust me, I did the math in my head and it will work."

…

"Hrm."

                         "Is that really possible? I wanna believe you, really, but it sounds fake."

           "Yeah, I'm with Johnny Boy on this one. Since y'all just got done being screwed over by sciency shit, I wouldn't fuck with it just for working bowels and boners."

                         "You would totally end up turning into a furry, and not even a remotely cool one." 

           "See, there you have it, folks. Straight from the egg bastard's mouth." 

     "At the risk of being an ungrateful dick, I don't want to become immortal if it goes pear-shaped. The promise of death is the only thing keeping me sane."

_ "Dirk." _

     "I'm serious; I wouldn't last as long as Jake has. Probably end up trying to ghostrun the government or some shit."

        "No, you don't get it! All we have to do is spend enough time with you that our weirdness rubs off and our particles or nonparticles become entangled. There's no experiments involved."

Dirk exchanges a subtle glance with Jake, as if to say, "We've already done a lot of 'entanglement.' Can you get immortality like an STD?"

Thankfully, the others don't notice. 

                         "No offense, but I don't want to be stuck as a teen! I have plans for my future, and they include growing a mustache that sweet."

Jake beams. 

        "If my theory is correct- and I  _ will _ quadruple-check- you'll stop aging once you reach peak adulthood, like… around twenty-five!"

…

           "Ok, you bought me. My ass is SOLD. Catch me parkouring at the senior center with whatever decrepit friends I manage to snag. We'll be like the geezers from  _ Kronk's New Groove." _

"That was a capital flick! Have all you folks seen it? The themes of belonging whilst not fitting expectations and-"

John is already onboard and eager to join the conversation, but Jane is hesitant, mulling over potential outcomes as Jade appeals to her logic. She's convinced by the time Jake ties up his tangent. He straightens sheepishly, just realizing that they were waiting for him to stop talking.

"... Sorry."

        "Dirk, will you give us a chance? Pleeeease?"

...

     "Yeah, fuck it."

They cheer, and he's assailed with a double ghost hug.


End file.
